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very funny^^..
i like this thread^^

Should been Read :

An atheist professor of philosophy speaks to his class on the problem science has with God, The Almighty.
He asks one of his new students to stand and.....

Prof: So you believe in God?
Student: Absolutely, sir.
Prof: Is God good?
Student: Sure.
Prof: Is God all-powerful?
Student: Yes.
Prof: My brother died of cancer even though he prayed to God to heal him.
Most of us would attempt to help others who are ill. But God didn't. How is this God good then? Hmm?

(Student is silent.)

Prof: You can't answer, can you? Let's start again, young fella. Is God good?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Is Satan good?
Student: No.
Prof: Where does Satan come from?
Student: From...God...
Prof: That's right. Tell me son, is there evil in this world?
Student: Yes.
Prof: Evil is everywhere, isn't it? And God did make everything. Correct?
Student: Yes.
Prof: So who created evil?
Student does not answer.)
Prof: Is there sickness? Immorality? Hatred? Ugliness? All these terrible things exist in the world, don't they?
Student: Yes, sir.
Prof: So, who created them?
Sudent has no answer.)
Prof: Science says you have 5 senses you use to identify and observe the world around you. Tell me, son...Have you ever seen God?
Student: No, sir.

Prof: Tell us if you have ever heard your God?
Student: No, sir.

Prof: Have you ever felt your God, tasted your God, smelt your God? Have you ever had any sensory perception of God for that matter?
Student: No, sir. I'm afraid I haven't.

Prof: Yet you still believe in God?
Student: Yes.
Prof: According to empirical, testable, demonstrable protocol, science says your GOD doesn't exist. What do you say to that, son?
Student: Nothing. I only have my faith.

Prof: Yes. Faith. And that is the problem science has.

Student: Professor, is there such a thing as heat?
Prof: Yes.

Student: And is there such a thing as cold?
Prof: Yes.
Student: No sir. There isn't.

The lecture theatre becomes very quiet with this turn of events.)

Student: Sir, you can have lots of heat, even more heat, superheat, mega heat, white heat, a little heat or no heat. But we don't have anything called cold. We can hit 458 degrees below zero which is no heat, but we can't go any further after that. There is no such thing as cold. Cold is only a word we use to describe the absence of heat. We cannot measure cold.
Heat is energy. Cold is not the opposite of heat, sir, just the absence of it.

(There is pin-drop silence in the lecture theatre.)

Student: What about darkness, Professor? Is there such a thing as darkness?
Prof: Yes. What is night if there isn't darkness?
Student: You're wrong again, sir. Darkness is the absence of something.
You can have low light, normal light, bright light, flashing light....But if you have no light constantly, you have nothing and it's called darkness, isn't it? In reality, darkness isn't. If it were you would be able to make darkness darker, wouldn't you?
Prof: So what is the point you are making, young man?
Student: Sir, my point is your philosophical premise is flawed.
Prof: Flawed? Can you explain how?
Student: Sir, you are working on the premise of duality. You argue there is life and then there is death, a good God and a bad God. You are viewing the concept of God as something finite, something we can measure. Sir, science can't even explain a thought. It uses electricity and magnetism, but has never seen, much less fully understood either one.
To view death as the opposite of life is to be ignorant of the fact that death cannot exist as a substantive thing. Death is not the opposite of
life: just the absence of it.

Now tell me, Professor. Do you teach your students that they evolved from a monkey?
Prof: If you are referring to the natural evolutionary process, yes, of course, I do.
Student: Have you ever observed evolution with your own eyes, sir?
(The Professor shakes his head with a smile, beginning to realize where the argument is going.)
Student: Since no one has ever observed the process of evolution at work and cannot even prove that this process is an on-going endeavor, are you not teaching your opinion, sir? Are you not a scientist but a preacher? (Theclass is in uproar.)

Student: Is there anyone in the class who has ever seen the Professor's brain?
(The class breaks out into laughter.)
Student: Is there anyone here who has ever heard the Professor's brain, felt it, touched or smelt it? No one appears to have done so. So, according to the established rules of empirical, stable, demonstrable protocol, science says that you have no brain, sir.
With all due respect, sir, how do we then trust your lectures, sir?
(The room is silent. The professor stares at the student, his face unfathomable.)
Prof: I guess you'll have to take them on faith, son.

Student: That is it sir... The link between man & God is FAITH. That is all that keeps things moving & alive.

the jokes here are funny.. i would research some soon...

in jollibee..
igorot: miss, my order will be one bottle of honey..
sales lady : we dont sell honey here..
igorot: what ? you dont sell.. hey woman!! dont lie to me.. theres a big bee outside, then you say there's nothing..dont trick me..im not ignorant..give me now!!!!give meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

french lessons:
French lesson
Cough: o vou
Ashes: a vou
Naked: hu vou
Car: re vou
Baloon: lo vou
Drugs: sha vou
Gud bye: va vou
Cute: a cou
Ikaw: ga gou

nice joke..guyzz..luv iitt

riana21.punkemorock wrote:

french lessons:
French lesson
Cough: o vou
Ashes: a vou
Naked: hu vou
Car: re vou
Baloon: lo vou
Drugs: sha vou
Gud bye: va vou
Cute: a cou
Ikaw: ga gou

I love this one!!
bwahahaha!!

Things My Mother Taught Me --Anything sound familiar?

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. --'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. --'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. --'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. --'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. --'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. --'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY. --'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. --'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. --'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. --'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. --'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. --'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. --I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about ENVY. --'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. --'Just wait until your father gets home.'
16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. --'You are going to get it when you get home!'
17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. --'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
18. My mother taught me ESP. --'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
19. My mother taught me HUMOR. --'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. --'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
21. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. --'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
22. My mother taught me WISDOM. --'When you get to be my age, you'll understand
===========================================
Dear Wife -
I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. Don't try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband -
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a girl!" Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment .And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that
my sister had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica . But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.
=================================================
A boy goes over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and ######### for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the
boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents' house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. the boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this
religious." The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Last edited by MaLDiTaNg_SaDe (2008-09-10 19:46:16)

MaLDiTaNg_SaDe wrote:

Things My Mother Taught Me --Anything sound familiar?

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. --'If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.'
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. --'You better pray that will come out of the carpet.'
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. --'If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!'
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. --'Because I said so, that's why.'
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. --'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.'
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. --'Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident.'
7. My mother taught me IRONY. --'Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about.'
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. --'Shut your mouth and eat your supper.'
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. --'Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!'
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. --'You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.'
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. --'This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.'
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. --'If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!'
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. --I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.'
14. My mother taught me about ENVY. --'There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do.'
15. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. --'Just wait until your father gets home.'
16. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. --'You are going to get it when you get home!'
17. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. --'If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.'
18. My mother taught me ESP. --'Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?'
19. My mother taught me HUMOR. --'When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.'
20. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. --'If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.'
21. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. --'Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?'
22. My mother taught me WISDOM. --'When you get to be my age, you'll understand

i super love this. hahaha. it do sounds like my mom. lol